Ambition

So I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of ambition as well as my own ambitions for my life, my career, my personal growth, pretty much thinking about ambition as it applies to all aspects of my life. I feel like I'd feel better if I just put it down somewhere that I could look at whenever I feel uncertain or discouraged. So that place will be here since this has become a personal, yet very open, log of my thoughts as they relate to games. So here it goes.

In regards to career ambitions: Honestly, I'm shooting for the stars when it comes to what I ultimately want to do with my life and my passions. I want, at the end of my career, to be able to own and manage my own game studio. More than anything in the world I want to be the guy in charge of making the things that I love, to be a driving force of change and innovation in the gaming industry in my own way, by doing my own thing. Realistically speaking, my dream is not something that is easily achieved and I acknowledge the difficulty of making something like this a reality, game studios die faster than a homeless puppy on a cold winter evening (grim, colorful, depressingly accurate). I honestly don't even know where to start and even what my first step might be to realizing this ambition, the only thing I do know is: Right here, right now, I am going to begin fostering my talents in order to prepare myself for when opportunity comes knocking so I will be as ready as I'll ever be to make my dream a reality.

Personal Ambitions: I struggle a lot with various aspects in my personal life. Plain and simple. Who doesn't struggle here I wonder? I don't think I'd get along with a person like that...I think that awkwardness you feel when you first meet someone is a good thing, I like the uncertainty of not knowing what this person will do, they could be my best friend next month and then my most hated enemy in 20 years. I just don't know. I feel the need to remind myself that its okay to be myself but I still need to put myself out there and seek connections with those around me. I am very naturally an aloof person, always have been, probably always will be (to some degree at least). I find that I am easily accepted by like-minded peers but I seem to have trouble locating those people to a greater degree than I would like. As an introvert I love my alone time but I am hungry for a connection which is decently difficult to foster in the environment I have taken up residence in. I commute to class every day and return home every night after my work is done, which doesn't exactly leave too much room for a social life outside of my well loved gaming buddies whom I interact with via Aion or Ventrillo. Simply put: Its not enough for me. I miss my friends from Boston, the laughs, the fights, the good, the bad, the constant flux of dorm life was very entertaining for me. So right now, the first thing I want to accomplish in my personal life is finding one good friend and fostering that connection here at Cornerstone.

Regarding Personal Growth: I am a person who is constantly changing, I recognize this aspect of myself, I feel like my state of growth will last until the day I die. I never want to stagnate or become predictable. Its incredibly easy to get into a rhythm and just go through the motions of life and stop growing. For me, growth can be described best by the use of one horrible, terrifying word. Failure. When I fail I am so hard on myself and that critical response is eventually reduced to a dull sting whenever I think back on a particular failure. Since I've returned home to Michigan I feel like I have stopped punishing myself for the times I fall short. Instead of punishing myself I find myself laughing when I have some time alone, its these situations where I fall on my face (figuratively speaking) that I find the most valuable. I think learning to laugh at myself and in the face of failure can be one of my greatest assets, I am incredibly tenacious when I want something but I would find myself shying away from situations where I might fail. Sure I may be "safe" from those hard feelings of failure and inadequacy but I am coming to the point where I'd rather fall on my face doing things I love than sitting in a safe little corner pretending I'm happy with the way things are. Just gotta keep getting up and trying again until you get it right. A simple yet infinitely complex ambition to pursue.

In closing I would just like to say that I appreciate the quote my parents keep tossing around and writing all over the house. "Stand in your vision" I think that's a great idea right now.

-Fest